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Aug. 19th, 2009

feeling better.

I've done really well today.

last night i had burger king, but i purged it before it could really settle in my stomach.
the boyfriend knows, now, i guess. but i trust him.

today i've had two bites of chicken, a bite of stuffing, and a piece of sugarfree candy.
lets just see how the rest of the night goes.

Aug. 18th, 2009

fucking fatty

i did pretty well yesterday, until late at night.
learned that bagels don't come up very well at all.
hung out with my boyfriend for the first time in a week.
got really stoned
and really hungry
so i binged. bad.
ate 5 pieces of pizza, half a bag of bugles and three oatmeal cookies.
and then passed out before i could purge.
i threw up what i was left this morning when i got up, but i still feel like a total fatass.

haven't eaten at all today, trying to make up for all the shit i ate last night.

i'm over at the boyfriend's house right now...he's in the shower.
hopefully we don't go out to eat. i don't know if i'll be able to control myself,
especially if we smoke before we go out.

since when did i lose all sense of self control?

Aug. 13th, 2009

didn't do so hot today

ate pizza, but got rid of it
did really well until dinner time
then i pigged out on hotdogs
so i got rid of that, too
thennnn i ate a brownie and a snicker's bar.
i really don't feel like purging that much chocolate
i WILL do better tomorrow

Aug. 12th, 2009

all the pretty, pretty ones, leave you low, blow your mind...

this journal is going to be getting quite a bit more use, i think.
due to a pre-existing stomach condition that causes me to throw up basically everything i eat, i have basically transitioned into some form of bulimia. i find myself purging after every meal, because i don't like the feeling of food inside my stomach. i'm losing weight, which is pretty much awesome. i love the feeling of self control. i don't see myself stopping this any time soon.
i've decided to take on this journal to help me keep track of what i eat, and how long afterward i purge.


Jun. 4th, 2009

so it's been a while

still fucked up
still in pain
still hiding it better than you could imagine

going to cut tonight for the first time in a long time
and for the first time in a long time
i will be alive

it's so easy to forget you're alive when you can't see the blood

i forget myself sometimes
it would be so much easier to check out for a while

one step forward,
one giant leap back

over and over

i want to be better but i don't want to GET better

Mar. 2nd, 2008

(no subject)

 haven't posted in so fucking long.

i think i'll just keep using this LJ to explore the darker side of myself.


i'm off to friend some communities, woo.

Sep. 9th, 2007

(no subject)

stretching my ears again.

i love the pain of it more than i love the actual stretching, i think

Jul. 19th, 2007



i told her.

and i got shot down.

well, in the nicest way possible.

but still.

is it weird that i get excited when i get to open a new box of razors?

Jul. 10th, 2007

you see, i've got this gun...

and i feel like putting it to my head.

should i tell her?

Jul. 7th, 2007

im sorry

dear jess,

im sorry that this is how i am. im sorry that im emo. im sorry that im manipulative. im sorry im sorry im sorry. i really am. i want to change. i want to be healthy. i want to quit cutting. i want to quit taking the meds. i want to stop smoking and i want to stop cursing and i want to stop apologizing so damn much. i would stop for you. i love you more than you'll ever know. you dont need all those guys that you cant handle or remember. i could love you better than all of them put together. i could. 


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