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Aug. 19th, 2009

feeling better.

I've done really well today.

last night i had burger king, but i purged it before it could really settle in my stomach.
the boyfriend knows, now, i guess. but i trust him.

today i've had two bites of chicken, a bite of stuffing, and a piece of sugarfree candy.
lets just see how the rest of the night goes.

Aug. 18th, 2009

fucking fatty

i did pretty well yesterday, until late at night.
learned that bagels don't come up very well at all.
hung out with my boyfriend for the first time in a week.
got really stoned
and really hungry
so i binged. bad.
ate 5 pieces of pizza, half a bag of bugles and three oatmeal cookies.
and then passed out before i could purge.
i threw up what i was left this morning when i got up, but i still feel like a total fatass.

haven't eaten at all today, trying to make up for all the shit i ate last night.
ughhh.

i'm over at the boyfriend's house right now...he's in the shower.
hopefully we don't go out to eat. i don't know if i'll be able to control myself,
especially if we smoke before we go out.

since when did i lose all sense of self control?

Aug. 13th, 2009

didn't do so hot today

ate pizza, but got rid of it
did really well until dinner time
then i pigged out on hotdogs
so i got rid of that, too
thennnn i ate a brownie and a snicker's bar.
i really don't feel like purging that much chocolate
i WILL do better tomorrow

Aug. 12th, 2009

all the pretty, pretty ones, leave you low, blow your mind...

this journal is going to be getting quite a bit more use, i think.
due to a pre-existing stomach condition that causes me to throw up basically everything i eat, i have basically transitioned into some form of bulimia. i find myself purging after every meal, because i don't like the feeling of food inside my stomach. i'm losing weight, which is pretty much awesome. i love the feeling of self control. i don't see myself stopping this any time soon.
i've decided to take on this journal to help me keep track of what i eat, and how long afterward i purge.

-akyri

Jun. 4th, 2009

so it's been a while

still fucked up
still in pain
still hiding it better than you could imagine

going to cut tonight for the first time in a long time
and for the first time in a long time
i will be alive

it's so easy to forget you're alive when you can't see the blood

i forget myself sometimes
it would be so much easier to check out for a while
regress

one step forward,
one giant leap back

over and over

i want to be better but i don't want to GET better

Mar. 2nd, 2008

(no subject)

 haven't posted in so fucking long.

i think i'll just keep using this LJ to explore the darker side of myself.

blahblahblah.

i'm off to friend some communities, woo.

Sep. 9th, 2007

(no subject)

stretching my ears again.

i love the pain of it more than i love the actual stretching, i think

Jul. 19th, 2007

gahh!

soo..right....

i told her.

and i got shot down.

well, in the nicest way possible.

but still.

is it weird that i get excited when i get to open a new box of razors?

Jul. 10th, 2007

you see, i've got this gun...

and i feel like putting it to my head.

should i tell her?

Jul. 7th, 2007

im sorry

dear jess,

im sorry that this is how i am. im sorry that im emo. im sorry that im manipulative. im sorry im sorry im sorry. i really am. i want to change. i want to be healthy. i want to quit cutting. i want to quit taking the meds. i want to stop smoking and i want to stop cursing and i want to stop apologizing so damn much. i would stop for you. i love you more than you'll ever know. you dont need all those guys that you cant handle or remember. i could love you better than all of them put together. i could. 

love,
akyri

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